Davina, over at Shades of Crimson recently posted a creative writing challenge in which she suggested taking a list of 9 words to incorporate into a story/poem/whatever.  I’m a little late to the game and I went well over the one hundred word suggestion.  So, I can’t really consider this for submission.  Nevertheless, I had fun.

Below is a little ditty I threw together, with an alternate ending.  The words in bold were on the list.

Divergence

“We have to adjust,” he said from behind his morning newspaper.  “We have to move on.”

“How about pumpkin curry lentil soup tonight?” she said, ignoring him.

“It was a mistake.”

She glanced at him and opened the spice cabinet.

“Now where is that turmeric?”

“How long is this going to go on?” He lowered his paper and watched her.

A spider crawled along the floorboard near her foot.

Her ears were ringing. God she wanted a smoke.

“It’s like a life sentence here, babe.”

“Oh, here it is.” She swiped the spice bottle off the shelf.

“You couldn’t possibly think I meant to do it.” His voice was getting more intense, frantic.
She stared at the spider.

“Great, now we’ve got an audience,” she thought.

She crushed the spider with her bare foot and turned toward the far counter. The turmeric bottle slipped from her hand, breaking on the tile floor.  Tears welled up in her eyes as she grabbed the dish towel and bent to scoop up the mess.

“Hon, let me help you.” He was crouching near her, hand on her back.

She recoiled, pushing back against the cabinets. Weeping, she sat, pulling her knees to her chest, staring at the floor.  The beige floor.  Beige tiles.  Beige wallpaper.  Beige ceiling. Who the hell put all this beige in here?  It’s so damned…beige.

He finished wiping up the mess and tossed the dishrag into the washroom.  Turning to the breakfast table, he lit the candle.  She used to love candles.

She watched him blow out the match.  A tear ran down his cheek.

But, she didn’t care anymore.

He had killed her baby.

Alternate Ending:

He finished wiping up the mess and tossed the dishrag into the washroom.

Suddenly she farted loudly. I mean, amazingly so.  He lit a match and they both had a big laugh and made dinner together.

Beer, oh beer
To what are you compared?

A glorious sunset at the end of the day?
An intoxicating maiden ready to play?

The smoke of a rare cigar?
Or maybe a really cool car?

To some you are evil,
To some you are kind.

But, whatever you are
You will always be

My beverage of choice
Occasionally.

photo credit: Amarand Agasi

Man, do you love yourself? Is your day filled with glorious man moments? If not, here are a few suggestions.

1. Buy yourself a Lazy-Boy recliner. Better yet, pick one up at the dump. As long as it is operational and doesn’t smell too bad you’re good. Any stains on it simply add to its comfort.
2. Give up losing the television remote. Instead pick up an extra one and stash it somewhere only you know about. It would be advisable to get a little holster for it so that immediately after use (for the short few moments you find a show you’ll actually watch for more than 30 seconds – aka, Nascar, football, fishing, hunting) you can stow it on your belt.

   This will help reduce the theft-while-reaching-for-your-beer incidents and insure you will never have to leave your lazy boy to look for the original remote (which is never in a place that even slightly resembles a location you would find a remote, like on the first-aid shelf).

3. Pamper Your Spouse. Make sure she has plenty of lotions, bath beads, etc., with which she can pamper herself. While she is soaking in the tub, sipping on her favorite glass of wine (all of which you will provide), you have free range with the remote.
4. Hide your favorite t-shirt. You know, the one you’ve had since
   the 9th grade; the one you’ve had to duct tape the shoulders of so it won’t fall off; that all important most-comfortable-shirt-in-the-world your wife can’t stand? The one you know you still look awesome in?
5. Schedule time with your shirt. Once a month give your lovely spouse a trip to the manicurist, massage therapist or her favorite activity of choice. This will give you some live-in-the-moment times with your beer, favorite t-shirt and remote.

   If you can’t afford this, make a deal with your best buddy to get your wives together for a significant period of time at least once a month. Then you’ll have someone to not talk with while you enjoy T.V. and beer together. The downside is you may have to share control of the remote. I recommend buying a timer so each of you knows when your turn is up.

   If you wanna drink foreign beer, like Budweiser, that’s cool. Just know what your doing when you buy, ok?

6. Put the toilet lid down. Every time. You may just get lucky if you do this often enough, if you catch my drift.
7. Find a place of solitude every once in a while. This will usually involve some implement like a fishing pole, shotgun, jet ski, scuba gear, dirt bike or some such thing.

   Heck, even duct-taping a beer cooler to the back of your riding mower would work.

   I am fortunate to live in the country and thus have a lot of grass I can mow. When my wife asks how long it’ll take to mow I usually answer in beer: “I think I’ll do about four beers worth today, hon’.”

8. Do some man shopping. As often as possible, make an excuse to visit Home Depot, Bass Pro Shops or similar stores. Give yourself at least several hours for each store. It’s all about dreaming and living in the moment. I would advise thanking your spouse for the time away with a massage and another bath.

Now, it is important to remember that just like the Buddhist’s Eight-Fold Path, this list is not to be followed in any particular order (though it would be advisable to start with #1). It is meant to be followed in a circular fashion – no beginning, no end. Each item presents opportunity for growth at anytime and each feeds into and relies upon the others.

Seriously speaking, men: do enjoy yourselves. But, love your wife and kids first. Spend time with them and never forget the small things.

Your job is to serve and love your spouse and invest the best you have in raising the children that have been loaned to you from The Big Guy. We never know when our time is up, so make each day count with those you love.

Now, go pour on some love!

photo credits: Velo Steve, Eric Hamilton, dailydose

Inspired by my good friends’ prank on me I decided to troll the recesses of my childhood mind and do a little research in order compile my current five favorite practical jokes. I present them in no particular order of preference.

The criteria were:

• Nothing mean
• Stay away from the classics (like rubber-banding the kitchen sprayer or balancing a glass of water on the door your friend will be walking through)
• EXTREME EMPHASIS on doing it all in good fun.
  

1. Wake Up!
Your best buddy sleeps late on the day you are planning to go fishing, hunting, biking or whatever and you miss the best time of day for your favorite activity.

So, buy a bag of marbles and put them in the freezer. When it just feels right, sneak into your buddy’s bedroom while he/she is still asleep and pour the frozen marbles under the covers. Their body weight on the mattress will ensure the marbles all roll up against their nice warm body, giving them quite a jolt.

This works better than ice water because you don’t have a wet mess to deal with after you have stopped laughing at the dance your friend makes while trying to get away from the frozen little demons!

2. You Smell Like Chicken
During a visit to your friends’ house, excuse yourself to the restroom. While there put a chicken bouillon cube in the shower head. The next time he takes a shower, a subtle fragrance will grace his gloriously naked body. I’ve never tried this myself and look forward to giving it a shot. However, I am told the “target” does not notice it, but people around him do.

3. Invite the Most Diligent People in the World to Visit Your Friend
Get the address of your friend’s local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Send them a letter saying something like “I have been an agnostic all my life, but am feeling there IS something more. I would like help to find out if there is a God.”

Your friend should get several visits, at least, out of this. I know. A friend did it to me. I ended up studying with those two gentleman for a year. I admire their commitment, etc., but finally had to tell them their faith is not for me.

So, Tracy and Chris, if you ever read this I mean no offense to you or any people of your faith. This actually proves how much you can be counted on to reach out to others!

4. Oh No, I Just Ran Over My Chihuahua!
Take a plastic bag, fill it with feathers or fur and some hamburger meat. Using duct tape, secure the bag filled with the tasty treat on the underside of the mower blade housing, above the blade. As your friend mows the vibrating will slowly shake the bag loose. When that thing hits the spinning blade, the fur and “guts” will spew across the lawn.

This works best if your friend has a small pet.

It is especially fun on a riding lawnmower. I tried this one to see if it would work. It did. It surprised me so much, I blew beer through my nose when that bag dropped, even though I expected it. I found that using the tape only on the corners of the bag worked best. Took about 1/2 hour for the bag to hit the blades. Haven’t used it on anyone yet, however. (Note: I do not advocate drinking while lawn-mower driving).

5. Frozen Shaving Cream Bomb:
I really want to try this one! Visit The Institute of Practical Jokes, Pranks, and Trickery and check it out.

Bonus Pranks:
1. Carrot Seeds
When your good buddy is not home, take some carrot seeds and spell out a message on his/her lawn. Don’t be mean, just funny. It’ll take some time for the seeds to germinate, but when they do they’ll have a difference shade of green than the grass. If no mowing has taken place, so much the better!

The cool thing about this prank is your friend will have a healthy snack when all is said and done!

2. The Head on This Rum-Coke is Amazing!
Freeze Mentos into ice cubes and then serve them in any cocktail that contains some sort of seltzer in it, such as Coca-Cola or 7-Up.

One of my favorite(You may have seen this before, but I can watch it over and over and never get bored!):

Here is The Best Video Prank Ever

photo credits: sketchr,eschipul

I shall never be able to scale the lofty peaks of disgusting finds the lovely Tracey O’Connor so wondrously navigates on her blog, I Hate My Message Board. However, I promised on Twitter that when I hit 300 followers I would post something disgusting (or at least attempt to).

What I had in mind fell through: a series of disgustingly hilarious videos of my pets doing things; the types of things that make 8-year old boys pee their pants from laughing and 8-year old girls go, “GROoossss!” and parents go “I can’t believe my precious kids just witnessed that.” Alas, the videos are not to be found.

So, I set about finding random disgusting things and became enamored with these. I hope you find them as equally entertaining as I did:

1. Brett Durrett shows off his bottle of fifteen-year old milk. Wonder if it has the same kick as moonshine?

photo credit: timsamoff

2. Okay, I have four brothers. We’ve done some stuff in our lives. Maybe even once or twice done something similar to this, I am ashamed to admit. But, that a health club would have to post this? Gimme that gym membership ASAP. Not!

photo credit: raindog

3. Need a little pinch between the cheek and gums? How about some pealed skin from a sunburn? I’m looking for dinner right now!

photo credit: MacAllenBrothers’

4. I love this little guy. But, he reminds me of the way one of my best friends growing up described the “aura” one of her dates gave off. I’m sorry little bat dude, little so-damned-ugly-you-are-cute carmudgeon, you look like the personification of a pasty, 8-armed, slimy-tongued, narcissistic philanderer.

photo credit: berbercarpet

I am sitting on the john at the office, just a-working away and notice a book of matches laying there on the toilet paper holder. Figure I would have some compassion on anyone who might come in while I’m doing my “paperwork”. So, in addition to the always polite courtesy flush I light a match, let it burn then blow it out. Good so far.

I’m not done yet and I’m sitting there holding the burned-out match and really want to get back to a riveting game of solitaire on my Treo. Takes two hands to do that. I got a freshly blown-out match in one.

Well, heck, carefully I scoot back just a tad and drop the match in the front of the bowl. Two problems: the match is still hot and I am not completely out of the way yet, if you catch my drift.

I think I have a blister. That might explain why I’m having a difficult time concentrating today.

True story. And I’m stupid enough to write about it!

photo credit: Eleaf

First the Acute Phase, which feels like

1. You just finished drinking battery acid during a hallucinogenic funk
2. Your head is being forced through the birth canal of a tse-tse fly
3. Every muscle fiber has been flattened like a pancake under a Mack truck then loaded up with valium, minus any pain-relieving benefits
4. You have no stomach.

Then, the Benefit Phase (some doctors mistakenly call this the “Recovery Phase”) during which

1. One’s ability to melt into the bed mattress is unparalleled. And, look, I’ve been through college. I THOUGHT I’d had some stuff that could do that pretty well before. Nope. Not even close.
2. There is no need to wonder about narcolepsy. It may feel like it, look like it, sound like it. But, it ain’t that duck. Look at the money you’ll save on neurology visits and sleep studies!
3. No one, not even your kids, wants to drink out of your cup. You FINALLY get your soda all to yourself!
4. If you exercise, you puke. One more reason to lie on the couch and watch movies! (Sorry, this doesn’t last throughout this entire phase, so milk it while you can).
5. Depressed appetite = less eating
   Less eating = less pooping.
   Loss pooping = more time for sleep! Yea!

If you liked this post, please vote for it on BloggersBase! Thank you, kindly!

photo credit: muggly

Read that.
Understand it.
Apply it.

Your fellow earthling could use a break.

He once said, “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”

I go now to fulfill my destiny.

Got a match?